Madonna and her latest plaything, Jesus Luz, are going to pledge their love to each other in a Kaballah ceremony, according to Jesus’ father. No word on whether the ceremony will be legally binding.

Guess this gives a whole different meaning to the phrase, “I found Jesus,” doesn’t it?

Despite the fact that country music legend Dolly Parton has appeared on Hannah Montana, Dolly won’t be among the cast when the movie version of the TV series hits theaters April 10. Turns out that producers did talk to Dolly about appearing alongside Miley Cyrus on the big screen, but it didn’t go any further than that.

Access Hollywood is reporting the singer as saying, “”I’m not in the movie. I wish I had been.” We’re kinda bummed, too, Dolly.

Poor Madonna has been dumped by Alex Rodriguez in the wake of his steroid use scandal. Not only is Madge a resident of Dumpsville, but Alex added insult to injury by returning to his ex-wife, Cynthia.

Madonna, understandably, is not at all pleased.

Madonna is reportedly going to therapy sessions with a Rabbi to learn how to be “less domineering” in her relationships with men. I’d say the Rabbi has his work cut out for him.

According to a source, “Madonna’s been taught that if you keep experiencing the same relationship problems over and over again it’s because you haven’t realized where the real problem lies. As a result she is working desperately hard to try and change herself into someone who steps back. She is fighting her demons.”

Retired Roman Catholic Cardinal Jorge Medina just plain doesn’t like Madonna. During a mass held to honor the late dictator Augusto Pinochet, Medina made the following comment about the singer’s first visit to the country:

This woman comes here and in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, [and] impure thoughts.

Fans were camped out days in advance to get the best seats to one of Madonna’s scheduled appearances in Santiago’s National Stadium. About 60,000 people were expected to attend each one.

I may be wrong here, but I would be willing to bet that the good people of Chile are quite capable of thinking lustful and impure thoughts all on their own, without any encouragement from Madge.

Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are reportedly looking for a love nest to share. An unnamed source who knows the scoop about Manhattan real estate blabbed to the National Enquirer that the twosome have been looking at some modest little homes in the $30-$60 million range.

Reps for both have denied that they are looking at properties, either separately or together. These would be the same folks that also denied that Madge and A-Rod had something going before either one filed for divorce. You do the math.

Photo courtesy of the National Enquirer

Guy Ritchie has decided not to ask for a piece of Madonna’s fortune in their divorce settlement. Sources tell the Evening Standard that Guy is not asking for any financial settlement.

Instead, he and Madge have agreed to share custody of their two boys, Rocco, age 8, and David, age 3. Madonna’s daughter Lourdes will stay with her mother. 

The settlement is expected to be announced officially by the end of the month.

Madonna and the Mister, aka Guy Ritchie, have been told to settle their differences in their divorce…now. Madge’s spiritual leader, Rabbi Berg, has concerns that a public hearing may damage the religion’s reputation. Mind you, with all the mud slinging and allegations of adultery and abuse that have been going around, you would think that the couple would want to keep things private, too.

But then again, Logic often seems to take a holiday when it comes to these famous folks….

In the Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce, the shots across the bow have already started. First Madge described her soon-to-be-ex as an “emotional retard” to the audience at her concert last week, now Guy has responded back.

Mr. Ritchie has been telling pals that Madonna would rather go to the gym than perform wifely duties and when they did  get together, her mega-toned body just didn’t feel very womanly to him. Instead, he described making love to her like cuddling up to a piece of gristle.

Now I have a perfect excuse not to spend four hours a day at the gym – thanks Madge!

Now that the Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce has been confirmed, the couple’s friends (who no doubt had their palms crossed with some silver) are blabbing to People about what happened.

It was unraveling throughout the last year,” says a source close to both camps. “They were living separate lives and coming together every now and then for the cameras.”

Adds a Madonna pal: “There had been problems for a while.”

The friends went on to cite the usual “they couldn’t agree on things and lost their connection” stuff. Blah, blah, blah. Could it be that the problem was that Madge is a major egomaniac and that there is only room for one star in her universe, and it better darned well be her?